Saturday, 2 March 2013

I Hate You Words

I'M HAVING something of a crisis at the moment.  I mistakenly went back to read over a few things I've been working on, a few things I haven't read since it was copied and proofed and sent out into the world.  I think on some level I knew I'd hate it and I'd been mentally protecting myself from this realisation for the sake of my ego but I caught sight of the words on the page and it all seemed so contrived.  I don't know whether it's just the way it is but I can see every forced effort, every smarty pants strain, every shortcoming which strived for something unobtainable and fell flat on it's face setting it's front teeth free.  I see people with limitless, unshakeable confidence in themselves and (warranted or not) I envy them.  I know that I've changed, I've changed in the short amount of time that's occurred since then and that the black against the dove white is fixed and what I'm experiencing is the differences I'm trying to reconcile between myself now and myself then but I can't help it.  I hate it all.

I'm going to stop writing now because I'm starting to hate this too lol but I just needed to get this out so that maybe when I'm fine with everything again and then stupidly do the same god-damn thing and end up loathing words I'll be able to look back as see how I'm stuck in some sort of shame based pseudo-working class cycle and that I'm an idiot for not learning from the last time.